What is Nutria Anus Balm?
Nutria Anus Balm is the balm made from the anus of the Myocastor coypus, more commonly known as the Nutria.
What is a Nutria?
A nutria is a beaver-like aquatic rodent with a rat-like tail. Its has Dorito-chip colored orange buck teeth, and its teats are on its back (on the females), to aid in feeding the young while swimming.
In the words of Matty2k, the Nutria is: "So cute! . . . But so scary! . . . But so cute! . . . But so scary!"
But more than that, the Nutria is an Alien; a Transgressor; a Bad Pioneer, if you will. It was introduced to North America by Tabasco tycoon E. A. McIlheney and the original population of 15 quickly expanded to what is now over 1 million nutria across the country. They are the tricksters of our souls; refusing to conform to what is expected; exploring new territories, and erasing old boundaries.
What the fuck is a Bad Pioneer?
A Bad Pioneer is the collective consciousness' alter-ego, a psychedelic shaman, In the words of the Original Bad Pioneer (shout out to Matty2k!), it is "a blathering lunatic who was bent on making all the y2k madness come to life but was also an innocent soul who just happened to be disillusioned and wished for more fun and excitement!" The Bad Pioneer is a fulfiller of modern-day Manifest Destiny.
I thought Manifest Destiny was the eurocentrist attitude of early white Americans.
It may have been . . .but we are modern-day Bad Pioneers, who transform the very idea of Manifest Destiny into its newer, greater meaning; the idea of personal evolution and spiritual alchemy outside of the roles set by society.
What the fuck are you talking about, and what does Nutria Anus Balm have to do with it?
The Nutrias are Bad Pioneers. We are Nutria Hunters and we slaughter nutria and wear their fur and eat their balls. We make incredibly moisturizing lip balm out of their anuses and give it away at Burning Man.
Eat their balls? What?
Little Neil enjoys a plate of Nutria!
So just why is the balm of the nutria anus so incredibly moisturizing?
As stated in the National Academy of Sciences' Microlivestock: Little-Known Small Animals with a Promising Economic Future chapter on Myocastor coypus, the nutria creates an "oily secretion from glands near the mouth and anus" that "lubricates the pelage" (fur, to you). This allows the nutria to groom itself and add an extra layer of waterproofing to its fur.
Naturally, this would create only the most moisturizing of balms for human (or other!) application.
Are there any Famous Nutria in history?
Why yes there are! The Louisiana Astros minor league baseball team
has hired Boudreaux Nutria and
his wife, Clotile as their official mascots.
They were married on the field and according to their
biography, they have a litter of nutrias named Beauregard, Cherie, Claudette, Jean-Pierre, Noelle and Thibodaux.
As Boudreaux and Clotile consummated their love, so too did the Nutria and Christie . . .
Brought together by chance, lovers by fate, they wed at Burning Man in the year 2002
and had a bacchic honeymoon
all over the Playa. Yet their love was doomed, for a Barbie
and a Nutria could never be together in society's eyes, and so
they cast
themselves into the flames of the burning man and set their souls adrift into the universe.
Now they glimmer in the sky as a constellation known as The
Many Teats.
Wow! Where can I find out more about the Tricker-ish nature of the Nutria?
For your convenience, we have collected a variety of links for your gratification:
