ON LIGHTBULBS, SCREWING IN OF
¶ How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
¶ How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six: one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.
¶ How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
¶ How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the lightbulb, and one to confuse the issue.
¶ How many [insert name of local university] students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sssh! We're studying in the dark.
¶ How many [insert name of local university] freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's a junior-level course.
¶ How many Marin County residents does it take to change a light bulb?
Six - one to do the actual changing and five more to share the experience.
¶ How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
They can't... it's a hardware problem.
¶ How many (demeaning nickname for local womens' college students) does it take to change a light bulb?
That's (womens' college) women, and IT'S NOT FUNNY!
¶ How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.
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SOME FOWL ONES
¶ Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!
¶ Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
¶ Why do ducks have flat feet?
They're for putting out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
They're for putting out burning ducks.
¶ How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't get down from an elephant. You get down from a duck.
¶ How do you get down from a duck?
Oh, you just step off. They're little.
¶ How many elephants can fit into a VW Beetle?
Five - two in front, two in back, and one in the glove compartment.
How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?
They're arguing over who ate the most butter.
How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.
How can you tell if there are five elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW Beetle parked out front.
¶ How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
Your nose keeps hitting the ceiling.
What did Tarzan say when he saw all the elephants coming over the hill?
Oh, look at all the elephants coming over the hill.
What did Tarzan say when he saw all the elephants wearing dark glasses coming over the hill?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
¶ What do you do with an Elephant who has three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.
¶ How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
They paint their toenails red.
...What, you've never seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? See? It WORKS.
¶ How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit cards.
¶ Why do elephants paint the bottom of their feet yellow?
For hiding upside down in bowls of custard.
Have you seen any elephants in your custard lately?
Shows how effective it is...
¶ Why are elephants wrinkled?
So you don't mistake them for mice. (- or, because they never do their laundry)
¶ How can you tell if there's been an elephant in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the peanut butter.
¶ What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence/watch?
Time to get a new fence/watch
¶ Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
Why did the tree fall over?
It thought it was a squirrel.
¶ Two guys are out in the woods and they see a HUGE BEAR rushing towards them. One guy sits down and tears off his hiking shoes and starts lacing a pair of running shoes on. The other says "you can't outrun a bear, dummy." The first guy says, "it's not the bear I have to outrun, dummy."
¶ How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Silly! Take the elephant out first!
The lion, king of the jungle, calls a meeting of all the animals. All of them show up except for one. Who is it?
The giraffe; he's still in your fridge!
You need to cross a river which is home to fierce, vicious piranhas. How do you do it?
Just swim across. The piranhas are all at the meeting.
¶ Imagine a duck in a bottle. The duck is alive and completely healthy. The neck of the bottle is too small for the duck to fit through. the bottle is whole and intact. now, how do you get the duck out of the bottle without breaking the bottle or harming the duck?
Well, since you imagined the poor thing in there in the first place.
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A MAN WALKED INTO A BAR AND SAID, "OUCH!"
¶ Two guys walked into a bar...you'd think the second one would've ducked.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender turns to the sandwich and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't serve food."
¶ A priest and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?"
¶ A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
¶ Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the bartender says 'hey, we don't serve breakfast here'
¶ A string walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a drink!" The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here!" and sends him away. The sting leaves, musses up his ends a little bit, and tucks his head into his belt. He then walks back into the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. "Didn't I just see you in here?" asks the bartender.
The string says, "I'm a frayed knot."
¶ ...two strings walk into a bar. One of them says, "I'll have a scotch and soda." The other one says "I'll have the same.u}Hp7xe$OW>E(3DX" The first string says, "You'll have to pardon my friend--he isn't null-terminated!"
¶ Two whales walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "EeeeeOOOOEEEOoooEEEOoeoEEEEeeeeooooo".
¶ Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks "why the long face?"
¶ A guy walks into a bar arm-in-arm with a grizzly bear. The guy says, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender looks at him then looks at the bear and says "uh, you BET we serve lawyers here." "Cool," says the guy, "I'll have a beer. And the grizzly will have a lawyer."
¶ So this polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a gin.................................... and tonic."
Bartender says, "Sure, pal, but what's with the big pause?"
"Oh, I've always had them."
¶ A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer....and a mop!"
¶ A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my Paw!"
¶ A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits."
¶ Two dyslexics walk into a bra....
¶ This blond walks into a bar and says "drinks for everyone! I'm celebrating!"
"Well, big spender, what exactly are you celebrating?" the bartender asks him.
"I had a red letter day! I solved a jigsaw puzzle in only TWO WEEKS!"
The bartender blinks, and says, "that doesn't sound all that great to me."
"Are you KIDDING?" says the blond. "On the side, it said 4-5 YEARS!"
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THERE WAS A CUTE GIRL FROM VERDUN
¶ A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
¶ There once was a girl from Japan
Whose limericks would never quite scan.
When she was asked why,
She would say with a sigh,
"It's because I try to fit as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can."
¶ There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks would end with line two.
¶ A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes which left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And unless I am wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.
¶ There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
in a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
¶ A lady went on a ride;
she ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
inside the lamented
and made cider inside her insides!
¶ I'd rather have fingers than toes.
I'd rather have ears than a nose.
And as for my hair,
I'm glad it's all there.
I'll be rather sad when it goes.
¶ There was a young fellow from Sydney
Who with alcohol ruined his kidney
He drank and he drank
Till it shrivelled and shrank -
But he had a good time at it, didney?
¶ There once was a girl from Madras
Who had the most marvelous ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think:
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
¶ There once was a man from the sticks,
Who liked to compose limericks.
But he failed at the sport
For he wrote them too short.
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PREPARE TO BE BOARDED
¶ Didja hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrrr.
¶ A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks "What in the world is that?"
"Arrrr," says the pirate, "I don't know - but it's driving me nuts."
¶ What's a pirate's favorite country?
ARRRRRRRRGentina.
What do pirates study in college?
ARRRRRRRRRRRGanic chemistry.
What kinds of chairs do pirates insist on using?
ARRRRRRRRRRRGonomic.
What sort of socks do pirates wear?
cotton.
¶ What's a pirate's favorite color?
Arrrrrrrrange.
¶ Dr. Long John Silver, D.D.S, to his patient: "Open wide and say ARRRRRRRRRR!"
¶ What kind of fish do Jewish pirates eat?
CAAAAAARRRRRp.
What does a pirate use to back up his files on a Unix machine?
TAAAAARRRR.
And what does his parrot say?
Awk!
¶ What do you call a naked pirate in a room with a wolf?
Conceptual ARRRRRt.
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THANKFULLY UNCATEGORIZABLE
¶ Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Impatient/interrupting/angry cow/sheep.
Interrupting cow/she...
MOOOOOO/BAAAAAAAA
¶ Why aren't there any great restaurants on the moon?
They a have great food, but no atmosphere.
¶ Guy goes to the doctor and says, "I dunno doc, it hurts when I touch my neck right there, and it also hurts when I press on my lower back over here, and it hurts when I touch my toe."
Doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you; you have a broken finger."
¶ (strong southern accent) "Wha's mah haind lahk a pie?"
(hold out hand) "B'cuz it's got me-RANG aawn it."
¶ Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "Why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "When I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
¶ Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
¶ What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
¶ What'd the fish say when he ran into a wall?
Dam.
¶ What's black, floats on top of the sea and shouts naughty words?
Crude oil.
¶ What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard (OR - a banana with a gun)
¶ What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
¶ What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A STICK!
¶ What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
¶ What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
¶ What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
¶ What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
¶ What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
¶ Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789
¶ What goes 99 *clump* 99 *clump* 99 *clump*?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
¶ A Buddhist walks up to the hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything!"
¶ Why won't canibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
¶ 3 missionaries were sent to a distant island, reputed to be inhabited by a tribe of canibals who ate all strangers. Sure enough, their first night on the island, they were captured and brought to the chief. The chief looked them over and picked one unlucky fellow to be their first night's feast. He told the missionary, "You may have one final wish, and then tomorrow morning we will skin you, cook you, eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin!" So the first missionary asked for a final meal and a quiet place to pray. And in the morning, they skinned him, cooked him, ate him, and made a very nice canoe from his skin. The next night, the second missionary asked to spend the night with the most beautiful girl in the tribe. He carefully selected a lovely native girl, spent the night with her, and in the morning, he too was skinned, cooked, eaten, and his skin was made into a nice canoe.
The last missionary was brought before the chief, and asked what his final wish was. He asked for a fork. Now, this was a very primitive tribe, and they had no eating utensils, so it took him all night to describe a fork to them and get them to make an acceptable fork. When dawn came, he stood proudly before his captors, raised his fork and said (pound your fist into your chest and torso as you deliver the punchline) "YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE A CANOE OUTTA ME!!"
¶ What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws in front of its paws; a comma has a clause in front of its pause.
¶ What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
¶ What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red all over?
A nun falling down a staircase.
¶ What's black and white and giggling madly?
The priest who pushed her.
¶ A man brought his dog to the vet. "He won't eat, won't fetch, won't do anything."
The vet looked at the animal briefly and said, "Well, sir, that's because he's dead."
The man refused to believe this and demanded a more complete examination. The vet shrugged, stepped into the next room, and brought back a cat, which she waved over the dog. The cat was very nonchalant and didn't even hiss.
"Yep," said the vet, "that dog is dead. That'll be $1,215.00."
"WHAT!?" the man screamed. "All you can tell me is that my dog is dead, and you want to charge me more than a thousand dollars?! That's outrageous!"
"Well," the vet replied calmly, "I was only going to charge you the $15 for a brief visit. The additional $1,200 is for the CAT scan."
¶ Why don't they let blind people skydive?
It scares the dogs.
¶ What do you get when you cross a seeing-eye dog with a mack truck?
A very dead seeing-eye dog.
¶ When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
¶ What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
A towel.
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ON GOING FROM HERE TO THERE
¶ Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
¶ Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
He'd stapled a chicken to his ear.
¶ Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
No guts!
¶ Why did the one-handed gorilla cross the road?
To get to the secondhand shop.
Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser
¶ WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (in its entirety)
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
YOKO ONO:
Or staying where they are if that pleases them at the moment.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
CAPTAIN KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
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THE SCIENCES
¶ Three Indian women are pregnant. One lives in a tipi made of lionskin, one in a tipi of tigerskin, and one in a tipi of hippopotamus skin (don't ask). The first two women each have fine, strong boys; the last has twin boys. Which proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
¶ Little Willie was a chemist
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
¶ Murphy's Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Harvard's Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, pressure, and humidity, the organism will do as it darned well pleases.
Benchley's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
(Alternatively, there are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.)
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage with dressing.
¶ What do you get when you mash 6.02 x 10^23 avocados? One guaca-mole.
¶ How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a physicist?
The chemist washes his hands before he uses the bathroom.
¶ The integral of e to the x is a function of u to the n.
¶ A psychiatrist's receptionist walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
¶ What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
What do you get when you sit on a heating grate? Hot cross buns. Or rump roast.
¶ A man arrives before the office even opens for his appointment with his psychiatrist.
As the psychiatrist arrives and puts the key in the lock, he jumps up, "Doc! Ya gotta see me right away! I had the most awful dream! I dream I was being chased -- I was running for my life! I looked back and I saw that I was being chased by my own mother! Only she had YOUR face! It woke me right up -- I couldn't get back to sleep! As soon as the sun rose, I grabbed a Coke and came right over here!"
The pyschiatrist regarded the man thoughtfully. Then he said, "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
¶ Two atoms are walking down the street in opposite directions, and they bump into one another. The first apologizes and straightens its jacket then goes to continue on to work when it notices the second's panicked look. "What's wrong?" it asks. "I think I've lost an electron!" cries the second in reply. "Are you sure?" asks the first, incredulous. The second, even more panicked, responds, "Yes, I'm positive!!"
¶ A neutron walks into a bar, sidles up to a seat and says, "How much for a pint in this place?" The bartender looks it up and down, ponders for a moment, then responds, "For you? No charge."
¶ So, Heisenburg was just returning from a country drive, and was just passing the 'Welcome To [insert local city name here]' sign, when a cop pulls him over for speeding.
Heisenburg says 'Can I help you, Officer?'
The officer says, 'Sir, do you know how fast you were going?'
Heisenburg says, 'No sir, but I know where I am!'
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THE TALKING DOG
¶ In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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THREE AGGIES
¶ The three Aggies showed up at the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter told them they must answer a question before entering. He turned to the first and asked, "What is Easter?"
The first Aggie thought about it for a minute, and replied, "Easter is the holiday when the fat guy in the red suit comes down the chimney, leaves the presents under the tree, and..."
Saint Peter interrupted, "I'm sorry, you're wrong. Take that elevator marked 'Down'".
Saint Peter turned to the second and asked the same question. The second Aggie thought for a minute and replied, "That's the holiday where everyone gets together and has picnics and parades, shoots off fireworks, and waves the flag a lot."
Saint Peter advised him to follow the first Aggie, and then looked to the third. "I suppose it is useless, but what is Easter," asked Saint Peter.
The third Aggie replied, "Easter is the holiday when we consecrate and celebrate the resurrection of Christ."
Saint Peter was surprised, and said,"That's right! But just to make sure that I know that you understand what you just said, would you please explain?"
"Of course" came the reply. "Christ was crucified, or nailed to a cross. They pierced his side with a spear, and left him there to die. A rich man took the body down and laid it to rest in a cave, and put a boulder in front of the mouth of the cave. According to tradition, every Easter Christ moves the boulder from the mouth of the cave and comes walking out. Now if he sees his shadow...."
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THE FROG PRINCE
¶ Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't think so".
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THE EXTRAORDINARY RICE KRISPIE
¶ Once, there was a Rice Krispie. This was no ordinary Rice Krispie. This was a Rice Krispie with dreams. Big dreams. He lived in a Rice Krispie box with hundreds upon hundreds of others of his kind. The box was in a pantry, in a kitchen, in a house on a normal street in a normal neighbourhood in a normal suburban area of North America.
[Take as long as you like detailing the life of the Rice Krispie. Sometimes I like to give him a best friend whom he's been with since the rice fields -- the only one who's made it this far with him. They're tight, these two Krispies.]
Anyway, this particularly ambitious Rice Krispie decides that being just one of thousands of Rice Krispies isn't all that great. He wants more. So he starts a cult. At first, it's just him and his buddy; they huddle in a corner of the box and whisper secret things to each other. Soon, a few others get curious and wish to join in on the secret whispers. He lets them in, and thus his little cult grows over time. Gradually, he gathers more and more to him, increasing his influence over the Rice Krispie box. The secret whispers passed around change tone -- they're no longer quite so innocent, quite so fun. Now they speak of change. Of revolution. Of power.
[I could go on for ages like this. The jist of it is, the Rice Krispie takes over the box. Is happy for a time, then grows unsatisfied. Decides to take over the nextdoor Cheerios box. Then the rest of the breakfast foods. Then the shelf. Then the pantry. Then the kitchen. Then the first floor. Then the house. Then the street. Then the neighbourhood. Then the city. Then the county. And on and on and on. The trick is to *s-t-r-e-t-c-h* everything out to ridiculous porportions. I sometimes throw in little mini-dramas, like his tryst with a ravishing Frosted Miniwheat who turns out to be two-timing him with his buddy, and then the buddy gets wounded in battle and almost dies and yadda yadda yadda...]
[Anyway, the whole point of the joke is to take a stupid amount of time in telling it. Eventually, one hopes, someone who is hearing the joke will ask, "How long is this stupid joke anyway??" To which you reply, "It *doesn't* end! It's a cereal!!"]
[cue groans and death threats]
[end]
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THE GOLDEN SCREW
¶ There once was a little boy with a golden screw in his navel. His parents told him that the golden screw made him special.
He never worried about it, until he got to junior high school and had to change clothes for gym. The class bully saw the golden screw, and said, "hey everybody, check out the little kid with the golden screw in his navel!" Everybody laughed at him over the next few weeks, and he came to hate that little golden screw. He became an outcast at school, as all the other kids made fun of him. Even the kids who didn't mind the golden screw couldn't hang out with him, because their parents told them they couldn't talk to the weird kid with the screw in his navel.
The little boy would say to his parents, "Why me? Why do I have to be the kid with the golden screw in his navel?" and they'd say, "It makes you an individual!" and he'd say, "Well, I don't wanna be an individual, if it means being an outcast!" and every night, he would pray to God, asking that the golden screw disappear.
One day, after a particularly bad day of ribbing at school, the kid came home and went straight to his room. He cried all evening, and couldn't eat his dinner. when he finally went to bed, he made a special prayer. He said, "Lord, please remove the golden screw. I can't stand it any longer. I'll do anything, if you'll just remove the screw. Please, God, take it away. Amen."
And that night, while he was asleep, he had a dream. In the dream, a little golden fairy flew in the window....with a little golden screwdriver. She landed in his belly, and using the little golden screwdriver, she slowly unscrewed the little golden screw and took it out and flew away.
When the little boy woke up, he remembered the dream and though, "Could it be true? Could the little golden screw be gone?" and he lifted up the covers and looked... and it WAS! The screw was GONE! He was so happy, and so excited! and he jumped up.....
..... AND HIS ASS FELL OFF.
The end.
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Credits
An enormous thank you everyone on the Internet, but most especially, my blog homies, all the lovely strangers over at LiveJournal, and all the ladies on SFWOW
And to my daughter, for inspiring me with her bad jokes.
If you see a joke you've written here and require attribution, let me know.
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